I Remember - Message and Reflection

A question.

Is it all going to end, or was it all a misunderstanding?

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The message was unclear, really. The site isn’t going down. But it will either all be preserved, and we just won’t be able to read it, or the only thing thassgoing to happen is that the story’s ending. Well, “only.” That is huge news— but our community won’t be suddenly forced apart.

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I haven’t been on here for a long time. Now, I wish I got to meet more of you, got to know the newer TAP members better, before this. If this really is goodbye, then I guess I’ll leave this reflection.

TAP for me… wasn’t the first online community I’ve been in, certainly, but it was certainly different from all the others. Everyone knew everyone. It was smaller, closer-knit.

I never intended it to be anything but an “in-between place,” somewhere for me to idle as I prepared to come back from my hiatus from my online social lives. But it turned into something more, I guess.

I never expected to meet so many new friends here. To make so many memories together.

But looking back, it’s been so long. More than a year. I never thought that time would pass so quickly.

Yet I feel like I’ve changed so much from the Dee who first joined TAP. The one who had her own version of the English language, who used LIRL instead of LOL, who tried to comment on every single Zine, after she finally overcame her irrational terror of that part of the site. Somehow, I feel like even if TAP were to stay as it is now, I still wouldn’t ever return. Because it seems like a place of the younger, more ignorant… nice… annoying, I guess, really— Dee. Dee, a name I only ever used on this site, but that I did use long enough to think of myself by it. Dee, yet another name I’ll be abandoning, I guess.

Just like how I stopped being Icy after I disappeared from my roleplaying friends, that first time two years ago now.

But I’ll stop rambling now.

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Missparkles, MizzTomato — I suppose there’s not much for me to say here, since even if you guys do see this, it isn’t like we’re leaving each other. After all, none of us are on here much anymore. But we’re all still together on Facebook. But I still want to just reflect on these memories. Our three stories we began around the same time, that promise to write a chapter a day, that eventually just tangled and faded away. Assassin, Not a Soldier, My Angelic Demon.

I won’t ever forget those long conversations on your stories, conversations that often reached past 50, even 100 comments.

And here, to the others I have on Facebook— my message, too, is one more of nostalgic reflection than sadness, because I know we can still keep in touch.

Blushie — I remember you were the first friend I ever made on TAP, and you have no idea how much that means to me. That first conversation, I feel like without it, I somehow wouldn’t have fit into the TAP community in the same way. Maybe that might be an exaggeration, but that is how it seems to me.

Squanky — I remember you as one of the “senior” members, the previous “generation” of TAPpers, I guess. You, Silent, Twilight, LittleStar — you’re the four I always think of under that title. To me, it always felt almost… special, talking to you guys, who had been on TAP for so long. And then, trying to guess your identity after you changed your name. Because you did stay, after you said you were going to have your account deleted. More nostalgia, not-goodbyes, thankfully.

Kylar — I remember hearing about you, even before you returned to TAP under a different name. And reading your writing, too. I don’t know how to expand on that, I guess. But I’m so glad this isn’t really goodbye for us.

Zy — I remember… so many things. Your stories. Always your stories. Conversations about manga, about drawing, about… everything, really. Just… conversations. So many of them.

I think I have your email saved somewhere, after what I said about trying to get the autographs of those voice actors at the anime con I went to. Even though I never got the chance to, unfortunately. I’m going to be looking for that. It’s there, somewhere. And we can talk more, then, if the TAP we know does vanish.

Miri — I remember your distinctive writing style, your characters, your love of Michael Jackson. You’re just one of those people who leaves such a unique impression on a person. I’m sorry I didn’t read your more recent writing. I need to do that. I will, sometime. Sometime, when I get the time.

I’ll talk to you on dA, if nothing else~

Twozah — I remember our roleplaying in the Debates, and really, just all of our huge conversations there. You were my Debates-buddy, the one person who used to be just as ((overly)) active there as I was.

I’ll be messaging you on FF.Net sometime. Watch out for that~

Zoe — I remember you being one of the first people I met. And talking to you on the Debates forum. And just… so many memories being made together. I don’t even know how to expand on that. But you were one of my closer friends here, and I will miss you so much if TAP changes…

LittleStar — I remember your capitalization, first of all. Who wouldn’t? It was just such a distinctive trait of yours, at least here on TAP. I don’t think I actually talked to you as much as I just /saw/ you here. You were one of the “senior” members, as I thought of you guys, the ones who had been here the longest. Somehow, you always seemed like a vaguely intimidating presence to me, and I didn’t speak to you nearly as much as I would’ve liked to. Regrets, regrets, regrets…

Whirlin’ — Because I don’t really know what your username is now. I remember your flooding the Zine as I tried to keep up. Your constant hyperness. Your frequent name changes — yet it was always obvious it was you, just from your personality, the way you typed. And… BLOOP.

Twilight — I remember your enchanting writing, your unique personality. You were one of those people who just somehow left such a deep impression on me. There are so many thoughts I’d love to write down here if I could, but I just can’t seem to gather them. I wish there was some way we could keep in touch, though.

Juliet — I remember seeing your stories around, although you were one of the many I never talked to as much as I would’ve wanted to. You never were as active when I was, as you were /before./ Just posting your own stories, and hardly ever being seen elsewhere, except in old comments. I wish I could’ve spoken to you more…

Faith — I remember seeing the titles of your stories, at first; being fascinated by them. And later on, how you kept the Debates section alive after most of the Debates regulars stopped posting, with interesting forum games and the like.

I’ll talk to you on Wattpad sometime in the future, I guess — so this is another not-goodbye, really.

Tica — I remember… a lot of things, really. Both positive and negative, if I’ll be honest. NaNoWriMo is the first thing that comes to mind, your asking me questions about Vocaloid over private messages. Conversations around TAP about various things. Yet another person associated with so many memories. Would you answer me if I messaged you again on YWP NaNo?

Dalia — I remember seeing your comments everywhere, before you disappeared. I never did talk to you as much as I wanted to, though that was my own fault, really. I wish I could go back and change that.

Poemgirl — I remember seeing your wonderful poems. I never really actually talked to you, I don’t think. There just wasn’t a chance for conversation. I don’t know if there ever will be. But I always did want to get to know you more, get to know the person behind the poetry.

LadyChile — I remember your presence on TAP only for a few days, really. You were only around for that long, at least in the time that I was active on TAP. I wish you could’ve stayed around longer, so that I could’ve talked to you more, known you personally, and not just from old conversations from before I came to this site.

Chiaki — I remember all the forum games you started. Just… your overall presence there. You were never around for long, but every time I see someone on a forum with your name, I always feel an urge to ask them if they and you are the same person — even though that is so unlikely, even though that name is just so common in the kinds of forums I browse. But I do wish I’d had more time to talk to you, to get to know you better. There was just something about you that… interested me — vague, but that’s really the only way I can describe it.

…and the list just keeps growing, as I think of the people I missed…

If I did miss you, I’m sorry. But you haven’t been forgotten by me. I… I just can’t remember all of you, no matter how much I try. See, I’ve met so many people here that I can’t even remember all of your names— but when I see them, all the moments I’ve shared with you will always come to mind.

And to all the new members, I’m sorry I never got to know you better. And thank you for keeping TAP going, even if it was different, after so many of us older members disappeared.

…I’ll stop now, before I start crying ;w;

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If any of you have a deviantART, please look for MlleNightingale~ &heart;

I’m also MaryDeeOddity on YouTube.

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Cornelia’s Minions, please answer us this. What exactly is going to happen to the site now?

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I’d like to go around commenting on everyone’s posts about this, but really, I don’t know what to say. I’m not good with words, so I’m putting all of my thoughts into this one post.

To all of the great friends I made during my time at TAP, I’ll miss you so much if I don’t talk to you guys again.