READER’S DISCRETION IS ADVISED…No, not because the following is completely immature and full swear words (if only :c). I’ve just always wanted to write that …. MEE HEEE!!!
Okay. So once upon a time there was a girl named Audrey, and she was the world’s meanest girl. SERIOUSLY. All she ever did was yank on other people’s hair, and steal other hard-working people’s ideas for french class documentaries and SHE ATE THE TIRAMISU BELONGING TO THE WORLD’S SWEETEST, MOST ADORABLE, LOVING COMPASSIONATE GIRL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD – okay, fine, it was me – AFTER THAT GIRL SPENT ALL THAT TIME MEASURING, STIRRING, SEPARATING EGGS, AND SLAVING OVER A HOT STOVE, MAKING SURE THE EGGS DIDN’T COOK WHILE THEY BEING STIRRED INTO A CREAMY, DELICIOUS, BUT EXTREMELY HOT MIXTURE (I don’t know if y’all know this, but when it comes to baking, eggs are serious business. Well, the same goes for cooking as well, but that is completely beside the point).
But Audrey’s plan blew up in her stupid, weirdly fox-like face, because karma had something in store for her. The world got together with other super-imposing forces and came up with some BIG PLANS for Audrey BIG PLANS.
The World: We are gathered here today (with other super-imposing forces) to decide the fate of –
Mother Nature: Wait, so this is a social gathering? Well WHY didn’t anybody tell me!? I would’ve brought some brownies, or something!
Darth Vader: You… you know how to make brownies?
Mother Nature: Of COURSE I know how to make brownies! What do you think the “Mother” in Mother Nature stands for? What am I, a gimmick now?
Optimus Prime: Oh, please. You think just because you know how to make some brownies, that automatically makes you some kind of wonderful mother figure? Let me tell you something: EVERY SINGLE TEENAGE GIRL IN THE WORLD HATES YOUR GUTS!!
The World: – to decide the fate of Aud –
Mother Nature: What did you just – Oh, now I KNOW you did NOT just say that to my face! I love all my daughters and they all know that dang well, thank you very much.
Darth Vader: Although I really do like a good bowl of banana pudding once in a while. Of course, it wasn’t always this way…
Optimus Prime: Stalking all of these innocent girls at all times – while they’re dreaming, while they’re eating, while they’re wearing white pants – and then striking them at the most inconvenient of these times with a monthly gift!? Face it, lady, you’re not a mother, you’re just plain evil.
Darth Vader: …I used to like eating chocolate pud – HEY!! THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE EVIL PERSON AT THIS MEETING, AND THAT’S ME!!!
Mother Nature: Can it, Darth. All you are is extremely confused.
Darth Vader: Am not!
Mother Nature: Are too! You had SO much potential growing up and you knew it too! All you wanted was to become a Jedi! But you had anger issues and INSTEAD of doing the normal thing and going to anger management, you went off and did a bunch of CRAZY, and then when your girl died, you let some creepy old person tell you that you killed her in your anger.
The World: Now, now… let’s not get caught up in each other’s drama…
Mother Nature: You are a messed up person, in a messed up war, with a messed up past, and a messed up voice. I mean, seriously. Who are you trying to imitate? Michael Wincott?
The Queen of England: YOU’RE ALL FIRED!!!
Optimus Prime: SHUT UP! NOBODY INVITED YOU!
The World: Actually, you really can’t tell the Queen to, uh, “shut up”, considering she’s a ruler and, well…
Optimus Prime: You know what, world? You really shouldn’t be talk –
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…What was I talking about again? ………………………….. Oh well. Never mind.
Author’s note: okay, this entire thing probably didn’t make any sense. But that’s cool. Know why? Because I was feeling pretty cruddy about an hour ago and now I feel SOOOOO MUCH BETTAH!!!!!! I think I’ll go make some brownies. Wait, I have a better idea: PIE.
And if you’re name happens to be Audrey, please, do not be offended. The name was chosen completely at random, and not because I hate every single person out there named Audrey. You gotta believe, man. And if you happen to have a face that strangely enough resembles a fox’s, well… I’m truly and deeply sorry.
PAYCE & LOVE :)